The Battle is over...

I dont know why I do this to myself.

I truly think that somewhere deep inside me lays this lost little child.

Maybe its because I never knew what love from my father was?

Maybe Im just like my mother? Destined to be alone?

Is it really simple? Is this love thing even real?

Why am I so afraid to just speak?

Why is someone that can be so brave and tough and conquer the world, quiver in fear thinking she might have to show emotion? 

Or do I really just not care? 

Every single piece of my body wants to jump on a plane back to Miami.

Fight, Fight, Fight

But then the wounded little toy soldier says, wave the white flag, the battle is over.

It's not over till I say its over, that's always been my motto.

Maybe its time to change this motto?

What if brother man is right and its time to stop seeking?

Am I ready to dim this light?

Am I ready to trade in my stilettos for running shoes?

Sun hats for baseball caps and north face?

Wait, I think I have slowly turned into a thirty year old woman?

This is pure insanity, Im not ready!!!!

I still have that spark and hop in my step! 

I still want to bedazzle my face!

I dont think I should trade anything for anything!

This is me, high heels, and a trendy little bitch! Deal with it! Im pretty fabulous!

Notice the how unstable I am?

For god sake woman get on or off the horse!!!

But what if i like being on and off the horse!!? What is so wrong with that?

10:59 pm and Im worried about going back to Miami for my birthday!

It all comes down to, am i strong enough to leave them all behind again.

Paris, Troy, Mom, Mana, the most important people in my life?

I dont think I could do it all over again. I dont think i can say goodbye and it scares the living hell out of me!!! 

Its been 4 months since I left Miami and I still call it home.

I can still smell and taste the Miami humidity and hear the loudness in peoples voices.

The heat that emerges from our latin skin. Hot blooded creatures, with such passion.

Cuban's no other species like us!

Mucho Caliente Papi! 

At this very moment there is a smile on my face.

At this very moment I am content.

I dont know what tomorrow might bring.

When faced with death, one suddenly realizes life is taken for granted.

I will not take life for granted any longer.

It is time to do.

Onward, Upward, and Forward.

Brief Introduction

I said I wouldn't do this. I said why bother writing when no one reads?

Well, here's why, because just like I'm a hopeless romantic I am a hopeless dreamer.

When will I wake up the roses? Hmmm, who knows? Because as my thirty birthday rolls around, I find myself in a place where I NEVER thought I would be in.

But I cant blame anyone for this right? I mean I cant blame the looser, I chose to date. I cant blame my ex of five years who didn't want to marry me and threw my world into a whirl wind.

I cant be upset at my family for not being more understanding. Bottom line is I am an adult, I've paved my way and I've got to deal with it as best i can. So lets rewind to 2012 around July.

As a sat in front of the big 46 inch flat screen in my ideal tri-level town home, marble floors, granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances. You know all things a girl dreams of. Two walk in closets, full of designer clothes and shoes and purses, vacations, five star dining, I mean really I had it all. Or did i? Something felt wrong, something was missing, I felt incomplete and that feeling made me unbearable and unhappy. I mean all i wanted was a baby right? Who cant have a baby? Well unwed women cant have babies, and i was 5 years in a relationship that only one person wanted the M word. Yes, the M word became that elephant in the room. The big M word was not to be mentioned around me or I would break down into horrible fits, and throw child like tantrums. I mean what else was going to get me what I wanted? That has always done the trick! Forget hard work and time and dedication. This gal here, always gets what she wants! Or at least that's what a dumb and naive twenty something thinks. So, I'm planning a co workers wedding in Vegas, as i casually ask my then boyfriend, hey are you ever going to marry me? Silence, more silence, a few minutes and I calmly said OK, i get it and no need for explanations, this is over. 

Of course, he blew me off like he always did because lets be honest, I was done almost every other day with him and the fights were beginning to get worst and his unhappiness was written all over his face. I didn't hide mine either but truth is I loved him so much I couldn't understand why he didn't want to marry me. Of course he reassured me that it wasn't me, and that it was him and all the nice things men say when they want to be nice to someone they have wasted time on. I had no back up plan, I had nothing. Not a penny, not a stock to sell, nothing even my cell phone wasn't  under my name. 

so i did what any other person would do, i began searching for an apartment with no money. GENIUS plan brainiac! And so it happened a week later i was moving out. Don't ask the details as to how i found a place or got the money or even physically had the strength to move after a 5 year relationship came to a halting end. I cried for 3 days straight and emerced in self destructive pattern. Didn't eat, abused drugs and cried a lot.  I felt alive and dead and kind of free for the first time in a long time. I had never been on my own, I left my mothers home and moved in with him, I never had me time, I never had a chance to have my own, and boy oh boy was i going to have my own. 

I never thought I would be happy, but for a while i was, I mean we had ended things but I never hated him. Not once did I ever think of as an enemy, I did want some space but he was my best friend. How could i not want too see and be with the person I loved and wanted most in the world? Things got a little crazy and confusing and unhealthy. The past is something we should never re visit. But we too often do. Letting go is hard to do! So from July - October I was living single and loving it?! 

Then another great depression in my so called life, I loose my job. This time there was no prince charming to hold me and tell me I would be ok. There was no one to deal with this but ME! And we all know ME is my own worst enemy. And when ME is in crisis well, I don't handle it quite well.

I rang up the only other man in my life and said I would be home for the holidays! Home being Northern California and the man my brother. My brother who is not kind or comforting and who is going to remind me daily of what a fuck up I am. That's just what i needed right?

Well, Im on vacation Im single, it was clear me and the love of my so called life were never going to be. And what does everyone want in life? LOVE?! Word to the wise don't meet anyone from instagram! It could possibly lead to a restraining order and your life in danger! Who could tell me i wasn't ready for a relationship? I was determined to prove to the world, I had found a solid man, and was moving to California to embark on my new life. Reality check, do some research on people before you decide to move across the country. Lesson learned.