Fashion

All my life i have been asked...

Are you a stylist? Are you in Fashion?

Are you from NYC? Omg. where did you buy this?

Yes. I can dress and no I'm not the best dressed but I sure do have an eye for great pieces.

I was always told that Art School was to expensive,  I was afraid of student loans.

What if I don't get accepted?

All, my life I have doubted myself, fears have held me back.

I am no longer afraid, I am no longer staying still.

I moved to California to start fresh?! Who knows why I ended up here, truthfully to me it

was all a series of unfortunate events that led me here.

Well, when one door closes, the other one opens. 

And many doors have been opened, many chances have given and many new wonderful opportunities have risen.

I applied for financial aid for the local community college and nothing.

I felt once again slammed to the floor. I took on this real estate course because to be honest

i know its good money and a safety blanket but we all know selling homes is not my passion.

Did I really want another job? or a career for once?

I took a chance and applied to the art school, yes there is a campus in Sunnyvale but why settle again?

I said if i do it I'm going all out, going to the city and stepping out of my comfort zone.

Truth is I am a city girl, I feed off the freaks, the noise, the oddities and the hustle and bustle.

So, I applied, took the train to the city like an adult and applied for loans.

Everything worked out, and I am officially a Fashion student at the Art Institute of California - San Fransisco. The plan is to eventually move to NYC. I have a dream, and I've come this far

I'm not selling myself short. 

Everything happens for a reason, we all must learn to appreciate life and deal with the hand we are dealt. But how good of a poker player are you?

Ive got my game face on! 

Just a few minor things to take care of, a small debt to settle and I will be in a good place!

I am not one to believe or preach, but lately I am a firm believer that we truly hold ourselves back

with fear and insecurities! 

Next stop, Paris baby!!

Mothers & Daughters

By far one of the most difficult relationships in life is that between 

a mother and a daughter. It is so complex I still find myself in awe.

I guess I will not understand until i have my own.

If that ever happens I promise that I will never go a week without talking

to my child. No matter how upset or disappointed I might be 

in the decisions that shes made. Or mad because she moved.

I guess my mother suffers like I do from foolish pride.

But I would never turn my back on my blood. 

How immature is it for a woman in her sixties to refuse to call her daughter.

Well, that's life and we sure cant depend on anyone but ourselves.

Mother, I love you no matter what but you sure have hurt me. 

A letter written by a child, daughter, woman to her mother.

Online Dating

You would think that if someone pays to be on a dating site, that they would at the very least be really looking for something real? Ugh, with that being said, forty dollars later and 2 months down the drain.

I am waving the white flag and calling it quits.

I will be celibate or continue to be celibate.

I will not even bother dating or thinking that there is someone out there for me.

I will not have hope.

I am a realist, always have been.

When did i get lost in this idea of marriage and kids?

I will start my plan of moving to NYC or Paris.

I will be successful and I will depend on myself for happiness.

Sunday Fun Day

It is Sunday, a day that brings many good memories.

Actually one of my favorite days, minus having to go back to work the next day.

Sunday Fun day has been a tradition of mine for as long as I can remember.

As my big 30 creeps up on me, and yes creep because just the other day I remember waking up after my 21st birthday in the bathroom in my mothers house, completely unaware I was naked and using the bathtub as a pillow. Although, that has never happened again I cant help but envy that carefree

attitude I once had. Not that it led to any great accomplishments, and perhaps that's why I am where I am today. But I surely don't regret a thing about my youth in Miami.

Many wish they had even half the fun that I have experienced! Growing up in Miami, and attending the Coral Gables High School (private school reject high) opened the doors to many things.

I was not rich, privileged nor did I live in City Beautiful, but I quickly learned that I liked designer name brands and freshly manicured nails.  My freshman year in highschool which was 1998, I can remember being over dressed, under groomed and under developed.

I never liked high school, I never liked being part of a group, or the thought that I had to be a certain way to be accepted by the so called "cool" kids.

I have alaways done and said what I want, and never believed in peer pressure. Clearly that means you are weak minded if you allow others to dictate your actions. My mother did not raise a follower, much less a yes man. So I spent a lot of time watching the behavior of all these kids and made a decision to hate high school and just get by. 

So, I refused to do anything organized or join any groups. I quickly lost all my middle school friends, and gained a few others but never clinging to anyone very long.

I also learned that it was only a matter of time, til you start fighting over boys.

Boys, which I also avoided like the plague. I made a promise to myself I would not get pregnant, contract a disease or cry over any boy in high school.

I kept my promise minus the crying, because I am a hopeless romantic.

Back on topic. its Sunday and I am going to have a fun day. 

Gone are the days I was in high school and gone are the days I cried over boys.

The Battle is over...

I dont know why I do this to myself.

I truly think that somewhere deep inside me lays this lost little child.

Maybe its because I never knew what love from my father was?

Maybe Im just like my mother? Destined to be alone?

Is it really simple? Is this love thing even real?

Why am I so afraid to just speak?

Why is someone that can be so brave and tough and conquer the world, quiver in fear thinking she might have to show emotion? 

Or do I really just not care? 

Every single piece of my body wants to jump on a plane back to Miami.

Fight, Fight, Fight

But then the wounded little toy soldier says, wave the white flag, the battle is over.

It's not over till I say its over, that's always been my motto.

Maybe its time to change this motto?

What if brother man is right and its time to stop seeking?

Am I ready to dim this light?

Am I ready to trade in my stilettos for running shoes?

Sun hats for baseball caps and north face?

Wait, I think I have slowly turned into a thirty year old woman?

This is pure insanity, Im not ready!!!!

I still have that spark and hop in my step! 

I still want to bedazzle my face!

I dont think I should trade anything for anything!

This is me, high heels, and a trendy little bitch! Deal with it! Im pretty fabulous!

Notice the how unstable I am?

For god sake woman get on or off the horse!!!

But what if i like being on and off the horse!!? What is so wrong with that?

10:59 pm and Im worried about going back to Miami for my birthday!

It all comes down to, am i strong enough to leave them all behind again.

Paris, Troy, Mom, Mana, the most important people in my life?

I dont think I could do it all over again. I dont think i can say goodbye and it scares the living hell out of me!!! 

Its been 4 months since I left Miami and I still call it home.

I can still smell and taste the Miami humidity and hear the loudness in peoples voices.

The heat that emerges from our latin skin. Hot blooded creatures, with such passion.

Cuban's no other species like us!

Mucho Caliente Papi! 

At this very moment there is a smile on my face.

At this very moment I am content.

I dont know what tomorrow might bring.

When faced with death, one suddenly realizes life is taken for granted.

I will not take life for granted any longer.

It is time to do.

Onward, Upward, and Forward.

Brief Introduction

I said I wouldn't do this. I said why bother writing when no one reads?

Well, here's why, because just like I'm a hopeless romantic I am a hopeless dreamer.

When will I wake up the roses? Hmmm, who knows? Because as my thirty birthday rolls around, I find myself in a place where I NEVER thought I would be in.

But I cant blame anyone for this right? I mean I cant blame the looser, I chose to date. I cant blame my ex of five years who didn't want to marry me and threw my world into a whirl wind.

I cant be upset at my family for not being more understanding. Bottom line is I am an adult, I've paved my way and I've got to deal with it as best i can. So lets rewind to 2012 around July.

As a sat in front of the big 46 inch flat screen in my ideal tri-level town home, marble floors, granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances. You know all things a girl dreams of. Two walk in closets, full of designer clothes and shoes and purses, vacations, five star dining, I mean really I had it all. Or did i? Something felt wrong, something was missing, I felt incomplete and that feeling made me unbearable and unhappy. I mean all i wanted was a baby right? Who cant have a baby? Well unwed women cant have babies, and i was 5 years in a relationship that only one person wanted the M word. Yes, the M word became that elephant in the room. The big M word was not to be mentioned around me or I would break down into horrible fits, and throw child like tantrums. I mean what else was going to get me what I wanted? That has always done the trick! Forget hard work and time and dedication. This gal here, always gets what she wants! Or at least that's what a dumb and naive twenty something thinks. So, I'm planning a co workers wedding in Vegas, as i casually ask my then boyfriend, hey are you ever going to marry me? Silence, more silence, a few minutes and I calmly said OK, i get it and no need for explanations, this is over. 

Of course, he blew me off like he always did because lets be honest, I was done almost every other day with him and the fights were beginning to get worst and his unhappiness was written all over his face. I didn't hide mine either but truth is I loved him so much I couldn't understand why he didn't want to marry me. Of course he reassured me that it wasn't me, and that it was him and all the nice things men say when they want to be nice to someone they have wasted time on. I had no back up plan, I had nothing. Not a penny, not a stock to sell, nothing even my cell phone wasn't  under my name. 

so i did what any other person would do, i began searching for an apartment with no money. GENIUS plan brainiac! And so it happened a week later i was moving out. Don't ask the details as to how i found a place or got the money or even physically had the strength to move after a 5 year relationship came to a halting end. I cried for 3 days straight and emerced in self destructive pattern. Didn't eat, abused drugs and cried a lot.  I felt alive and dead and kind of free for the first time in a long time. I had never been on my own, I left my mothers home and moved in with him, I never had me time, I never had a chance to have my own, and boy oh boy was i going to have my own. 

I never thought I would be happy, but for a while i was, I mean we had ended things but I never hated him. Not once did I ever think of as an enemy, I did want some space but he was my best friend. How could i not want too see and be with the person I loved and wanted most in the world? Things got a little crazy and confusing and unhealthy. The past is something we should never re visit. But we too often do. Letting go is hard to do! So from July - October I was living single and loving it?! 

Then another great depression in my so called life, I loose my job. This time there was no prince charming to hold me and tell me I would be ok. There was no one to deal with this but ME! And we all know ME is my own worst enemy. And when ME is in crisis well, I don't handle it quite well.

I rang up the only other man in my life and said I would be home for the holidays! Home being Northern California and the man my brother. My brother who is not kind or comforting and who is going to remind me daily of what a fuck up I am. That's just what i needed right?

Well, Im on vacation Im single, it was clear me and the love of my so called life were never going to be. And what does everyone want in life? LOVE?! Word to the wise don't meet anyone from instagram! It could possibly lead to a restraining order and your life in danger! Who could tell me i wasn't ready for a relationship? I was determined to prove to the world, I had found a solid man, and was moving to California to embark on my new life. Reality check, do some research on people before you decide to move across the country. Lesson learned.